In Prison, Out of Googles

Google is on the long list of things I took for granted prior to prison. Before I was incarcerated in 2014, I used Google often, relying on the search engine to satisfy my random curiosities. When that access was suddenly cut off, I began depending on others to answer my burning questions. Prison is isolating by design, and even things like obituaries are cruelly out of reach. Prisoners' Google requests reflect the whole spectrum of ups and downs you live through in prison. I’ve asked people to Google how to handle grief, how to train for a half-marathon, and how to crochet a stuffed unicorn. I’ve asked for help finding pen pals, and for lists of motivational quotes to help me keep going. At the end of nine and a half years in prison, I’ve worn out my Google requests. About a year ago, my friend Ashley, who I’ve known for more than a decade, got so annoyed with my constant stream of questions that she told me I couldn’t come to her with any more “one-minute asks.” For a while after she put up her boundary, there was a noticeable rift in our relationship. She felt I had started treating her differently, but really I just felt guilty. It reminded me of how much of a burden I had become on those I love.When I ask people on the outside what I should be ready for as I prepare to go out into a world filled with new technology that’s hard for me to even grasp, the only thing they can think to say is “Everything is different.” Just as suddenly as I was forced to disconnect, I’ll be forced to reconnect. When I do, I know I’ll turn to the search engine to figure out how to build a successful writing career, how to not self-sabotage, and how to apply all the knowledge I’ve gained in prison in my new life.

[Heather C. Jarvis is a system-impacted writer, speaker, and advocate. Recently released from prison, she is currently rebuilding her life from the ground up.]